*____don't worry, i'm watching over you___

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Reflection

Why is it an innocent question and clarification will make you feel stupid? I really dun understand.

I dun think it's a comment made at that instance.. Have I been "teaching" or "guiding" you so much that unknowingly, you have such a thought growing in you.

The sad part is why does that thought ever arise in you? Why did you think that I would think that you are stupid?

Is our understand of each other not indepth enuff, that we have negative thoughts of each other?
If we trust each other well enough, we would not have such negative thoughts at all. Even in event of uncertainty from the words that are spoken, we would have stand in each other's shoes and try to appreciate what is the real intention. I always thought that we are so comfortable with each other, that words need not be filtered.

You have said I'm picky. Maybe I am to you. But I dunno myself when did I ever demonstrate that to you. Have I picked on you unknowingly?

My blindness or wat? I have tried to consider your feelings when I made comments. But in event of simply chit chat, I thought that it was not required. Was my efforts not good enuff? It seemed to be the case.

I dun like what have happened, but I cant ask further. Coz you would likely say I try to rebut or defend myself everytime.

Human relationship is a profound theory that I dun seem to get it at all. Sometime I made comments that you have big tummy, yet you are jovial abt it. Now I just asking simple questions with no personal comments, yet you felt hurt.

I'm hurt too.

flew into your heart at [3:22 PM]

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Sunday, February 03, 2008

It kept bothering me.

I cant believe I was typing this in pitch dark except only with the dim light from the laptop screen.

Okay, I admit I wanted to learn tennis long ago. But somehow timing, pricing etc dun allow me to do so. I tot ya know. And I was hoping that ya say sth like " Nvm, I teach you", " Nvm, we just go and play for fun" . Instead, ya told me it was better to learn under a coach. It was like pouring a cold bucket, no.. a bathtub, of water on me.

Yes, I understand your good intention. Yes, logically it was best to learn the right skills from the start from a trained coach.

But, it was just nice to do a sport together? Maybe I would still go and learn from a coach if I decided the investment would be worthwhile..... after a game or two with ya?

And I was never good with ball games. Whenever there was a ball game in the group, I was always been left out unintentionally because I dun have much ball sense. Obviously, if I was holding the ball, I'll pass it to someone who will catch it, rather than someone who will drop it. So I dun blame anyone. Ya dint realise because ya were good in all ball games, so ya dint realise the difficulties of me trying to catch up.

I noe ya trying to be nice to me this 2 days. And I dunno wat can ya do to make me feel better neither. Coz the " damage" was done. Time cannot reversed. Words cannot erased. The unhappiness and bitterness had already seeped in.

I always counsel other ppl. So all those positive phrases I know better. And because I kept using them on other ppl, they dun really work for me. But I know I would " recover" after tue, and in any case, there's still CYN celebration.. lots of festive mood..

Till then, I dun understand why I have to feel bitter myself. Call me devil, but I aint angel, I do hope it rains on tuesday.

flew into your heart at [1:55 AM]

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Friday, February 01, 2008

How do I begin?

I felt upset because my bf dun understand my hidden meaning. Ya, he aint David Copperfield nor Jesus Christ but I guess I wished he was. Silly of me. So my fault I was upset.

It was just a simple game. A game of 2 throwing ball to each other. So naturally I would feel that I polly be left out. Well, the assurance was not given neither. In fact, there was no intention to want me to be there. But of coz, if I was to request, he would not reject me. Do ya sense the difference? Being wanted and me asking to be there?

Hey com'on! This was just a game for 2 boys. So wat was my problem? That was obviously some fuss made out of nothing rite?

I was just voicing out in a very small voice " my rights" as a gf?

Get lost then! Coz it was just being unreasonable. Me asking for troubles... again

****

Fren A asked me where ya bf? There was a change of date. Again, I was a messenger. Okay, it was just a small matter. I was not bothered.

Fren B told me the ball game again. Fren A had spreaded the invitation to few more.

Aint I not a fren? How come I was not asked or told? Only been informed because bf " uncontactable"?

Hey, u goon or wat? You told bf you dun wan to go rite?

I dint really say that. I just implied that I would be "extra" and became a vase there. And I thought only the 2 of them, so I shd be automatic, and made myself disappeared. Why should I be a chain ball cuffed to his leg?

You are the gf. Of coz they expect the bf to ask you along! You idiot or wat? Why shd an invitation be sent twice to an individual?

Okay, so I was living in the shadow of his. yeah? okay, yeah.

******

Fren B asked me so bf coming? I said I dunno since he was not yet informed of the change... How would I know? I dun even know that it was now not a game of 2, rather a game of 4 oreadi.

Out of spite, I said anyway there was already 3 pax now. The game can start anytime.

Fren B replied but 4 was better.

Hello? Where was I? Nowhere in sight... Unwanted, out-casted again. Spite who? Spite myself... my own retribution again.

Bitter, I answered bf polly going lah.

Fren B then said ya can come too. To learn lor..

I feared not. 2 was okay. 3 was a crowd. 4 was fun. The 5th one? Obstructing way. Learning when everyone was having a competitive game? I begged different. Anyway without me, the game would go on. In fact, much smoother. So since this was the case, I should just back off.

*****

Bothered me because they are all frens.

Mattered most becuase bf dun sense my insecurity.

*****

Why was I making a fuss out of a tiny ball? Hate it when I was like that. But actual fact, I was upset. Yet I cant say much.

Maybe ya would read this, maybe ya not. But if I dun write, I had no way to turn to. But if I write, I worry you see it differently. And I wish, a small part of me, that you would read and understand my needs better. Contradictating huh?

My small head is much complex. Worst because I think of 2 side of the flip coin. Was that why my grey hair increase?

Perhaps it was my menses, making my emotions went high tide. Perhaps it was my needs not met. Perhaps I was expecting too much from you. Perhaps as wat you said before, I should reflect myself before pointing finger at you. I cant read your mind, so why should I expect you to read mine. Selfish of me. Perhaps it was all my "doings", too free and start to think wild. Perhaps it was just me. Why should I be uphappy when everyone else is feeling excited?

How do I end this? Avoidance will be the best way out. I just got to stop thinking negatively. It seem like a dam burst, and all the waters flow out uncontrollably. It something bothering me, but once a happiness strike, I will forget and shelved all these thoughts... shelved until some new incidents bother me again, and it starts all over again...

Rational and emotional at the same time. How torturing.

flew into your heart at [8:32 AM]

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Thursday, January 31, 2008

I felt like I'm sharing my bf...

flew into your heart at [11:12 PM]

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Thursday, January 03, 2008

You Are the Index Finger

You are ambitious, driven, and capable.
You aren't afraid to take responsibility for your actions - or place the blame on whoever deserves it.
You are honest, free thinking, and objective. You see things in your own way - and you aren't afraid to let everyone know about it.

You get along well with: The Thumb

Stay away from: The Ring Finger

What Finger Are You?

flew into your heart at [10:50 PM]

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Sunday, December 30, 2007

Xmas Celebration @ ECP

Thank goodness it never rained on xmas eve! Actually we had been kinda lucky as it had been raining continuously in the past few weeks. But I insisted on not having any contingent plans ( the truth was I had none as the pit was already booked). Anyway, to have a strong fate that it would not rain seem to work well.

Everything went fairly well except that we had a tough time trying to get the fire burning. Lesson learnt => Dun save on cheap fire starters and dun buy NTUC charcoal. We bought a cambodian brand fire starters that cost about 90cents. We used up the whole box ( 20 fire starters) and yet the fire was not burning well. No choice but got to buy a new box at ECP which cost $3! Ok, now the fire starters seem to be working. Alas! It was the charcoal this time. I suspect the charcoal was damp or sth, else it just dun turn white. No choice but got to buy charcoal and another box of fire starters. So dubz... We ended up buying 3 box of fire starters, used 80 fire starters and 7kg charcoal to get the pit burning.... And that was like 2-3 hours laters...

Finally, we can bbq!! This was one of the proud experiment that we did -> Skewer with white button mushroom, pork, capsicum and pineapple. Wanted to have satay but it kinda expensive to buy from wholesale ( as they sold in bulk of 50) and too troublesome to do it ourselves, so the idea of having skewers seem so much simpler. Had tried to marinate meat with beer, pumpkin with cheese, potato with cheese... but didnt turn out too well tot... =p

Guess what? This was made up of letter spelt out using sparklers. The trick was to repeat the stroke of each letter forward and backward fast, while the camera person tried to take as many shots as possible to capture the best shot. Thanks to CY, the letters had been merged to spell out Merry Xmas!

Love made of sparklers

Our group photo

JW & Me

The Boys -> Hmm.. grew fatter over the years man...

The girls -> Still as slim!

flew into your heart at [11:46 PM]

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Saturday, December 22, 2007

Nagging, nagging and more nagging

The whole day at home, mum kept nagging about sister, jie fu, about them dunno how to take care of the kid... Dun understand why cant she just scold them straight in the face for all she wants? She will just complain about them to me and dad -_-"

The only topic that we can talk about now is all about them... No.. in fact, not we talking... It's mum nagging, and I just shut up and try to find something to do... Cant even watch vcd in peace ( damn laptop dunno why cannot play the vcd and so I got to use the dvd player in the living room) .

In fact, going to work is much enjoyable than staying at home nowadays. Taking leave to stay home is a BIG mistake. Either mum will nag or niece will come disturb.

Seriously, I dun like kid ANYMORE. Sometime they are cute, but most of the time they are nuisance.

So dun give birth until you are truely ready to take up the responsibilities and not expecting that there will always be someone helping you!

flew into your heart at [4:39 PM]

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