*____don't worry, i'm watching over you___

Sunday, February 03, 2008

It kept bothering me.

I cant believe I was typing this in pitch dark except only with the dim light from the laptop screen.

Okay, I admit I wanted to learn tennis long ago. But somehow timing, pricing etc dun allow me to do so. I tot ya know. And I was hoping that ya say sth like " Nvm, I teach you", " Nvm, we just go and play for fun" . Instead, ya told me it was better to learn under a coach. It was like pouring a cold bucket, no.. a bathtub, of water on me.

Yes, I understand your good intention. Yes, logically it was best to learn the right skills from the start from a trained coach.

But, it was just nice to do a sport together? Maybe I would still go and learn from a coach if I decided the investment would be worthwhile..... after a game or two with ya?

And I was never good with ball games. Whenever there was a ball game in the group, I was always been left out unintentionally because I dun have much ball sense. Obviously, if I was holding the ball, I'll pass it to someone who will catch it, rather than someone who will drop it. So I dun blame anyone. Ya dint realise because ya were good in all ball games, so ya dint realise the difficulties of me trying to catch up.

I noe ya trying to be nice to me this 2 days. And I dunno wat can ya do to make me feel better neither. Coz the " damage" was done. Time cannot reversed. Words cannot erased. The unhappiness and bitterness had already seeped in.

I always counsel other ppl. So all those positive phrases I know better. And because I kept using them on other ppl, they dun really work for me. But I know I would " recover" after tue, and in any case, there's still CYN celebration.. lots of festive mood..

Till then, I dun understand why I have to feel bitter myself. Call me devil, but I aint angel, I do hope it rains on tuesday.

flew into your heart at [1:55 AM]

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Friday, February 01, 2008

How do I begin?

I felt upset because my bf dun understand my hidden meaning. Ya, he aint David Copperfield nor Jesus Christ but I guess I wished he was. Silly of me. So my fault I was upset.

It was just a simple game. A game of 2 throwing ball to each other. So naturally I would feel that I polly be left out. Well, the assurance was not given neither. In fact, there was no intention to want me to be there. But of coz, if I was to request, he would not reject me. Do ya sense the difference? Being wanted and me asking to be there?

Hey com'on! This was just a game for 2 boys. So wat was my problem? That was obviously some fuss made out of nothing rite?

I was just voicing out in a very small voice " my rights" as a gf?

Get lost then! Coz it was just being unreasonable. Me asking for troubles... again

****

Fren A asked me where ya bf? There was a change of date. Again, I was a messenger. Okay, it was just a small matter. I was not bothered.

Fren B told me the ball game again. Fren A had spreaded the invitation to few more.

Aint I not a fren? How come I was not asked or told? Only been informed because bf " uncontactable"?

Hey, u goon or wat? You told bf you dun wan to go rite?

I dint really say that. I just implied that I would be "extra" and became a vase there. And I thought only the 2 of them, so I shd be automatic, and made myself disappeared. Why should I be a chain ball cuffed to his leg?

You are the gf. Of coz they expect the bf to ask you along! You idiot or wat? Why shd an invitation be sent twice to an individual?

Okay, so I was living in the shadow of his. yeah? okay, yeah.

******

Fren B asked me so bf coming? I said I dunno since he was not yet informed of the change... How would I know? I dun even know that it was now not a game of 2, rather a game of 4 oreadi.

Out of spite, I said anyway there was already 3 pax now. The game can start anytime.

Fren B replied but 4 was better.

Hello? Where was I? Nowhere in sight... Unwanted, out-casted again. Spite who? Spite myself... my own retribution again.

Bitter, I answered bf polly going lah.

Fren B then said ya can come too. To learn lor..

I feared not. 2 was okay. 3 was a crowd. 4 was fun. The 5th one? Obstructing way. Learning when everyone was having a competitive game? I begged different. Anyway without me, the game would go on. In fact, much smoother. So since this was the case, I should just back off.

*****

Bothered me because they are all frens.

Mattered most becuase bf dun sense my insecurity.

*****

Why was I making a fuss out of a tiny ball? Hate it when I was like that. But actual fact, I was upset. Yet I cant say much.

Maybe ya would read this, maybe ya not. But if I dun write, I had no way to turn to. But if I write, I worry you see it differently. And I wish, a small part of me, that you would read and understand my needs better. Contradictating huh?

My small head is much complex. Worst because I think of 2 side of the flip coin. Was that why my grey hair increase?

Perhaps it was my menses, making my emotions went high tide. Perhaps it was my needs not met. Perhaps I was expecting too much from you. Perhaps as wat you said before, I should reflect myself before pointing finger at you. I cant read your mind, so why should I expect you to read mine. Selfish of me. Perhaps it was all my "doings", too free and start to think wild. Perhaps it was just me. Why should I be uphappy when everyone else is feeling excited?

How do I end this? Avoidance will be the best way out. I just got to stop thinking negatively. It seem like a dam burst, and all the waters flow out uncontrollably. It something bothering me, but once a happiness strike, I will forget and shelved all these thoughts... shelved until some new incidents bother me again, and it starts all over again...

Rational and emotional at the same time. How torturing.

flew into your heart at [8:32 AM]

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